The son of Chinese kung fu star Jackie Chan has been arrested for drug use—Jaycee Chan, 32, was detained by police in Beijing last night after testing positive for using marijuana, and could face as much as three years in prison. The arrest of Jaycee Chan, also an actor, appears to be part of a larger anti-drug campaign that is specifically targeting China’s entertainment industry, a sign that authorities may be trying to tighten their hold over one of the country’s fastest growing industries.
It’s a somewhat surprising move given the elder Chan’s connections in China, where he is a member of the People’s Political Consultative Conference, an advisory body, and has long been a vocal spokesman for the Chinese political system as well as investor in mainland property and film. (Ironically, Chan was also an ambassador for China’s National Narcotics Control Commission in 2009.)
While China has cornered the market for patents on cannabis-related products, and the use of marijuana in Chinese medicine dates back thousands of years, possession of marijuana is illegal. More than 100 grams of marijuana were recovered from the younger Chan’s home, police said.
Over the past month, uniformed and plainclothes police have been launching surprise raids on bars in Beijing, forcing patrons to take urine tests, and hauling them away to local police stations if they fail. Chinese president Xi Jinping pledged this year to crack down on drug-related crimes and the government has launched a “people’s war” against narcotics. Illegal drug use has been increasing in China since the 1980s. Methamphetamines, ecstasy, and ketamine, known as k-fen, are among the most used drugs and easily bought on online forums and messaging apps like Tencent’s WeChat.
Conveniently, targeting drug abuse is also a way to remind those in China’s film, music and television industry who is boss. Over the past few years, authorities have been increasing restrictions on television stations, and video streaming sites. Censors have kept a firm hold over what’s allowed to be shown in domestic movie-making, even though critics say that may be stifling the growth of a Chinese film industry. Among those who have been detained on drug charges are reality show star Li Daimo, director Zhang Yuan, whose film Mama, about a mother raising a handicapped child without help from the state or her family was banned for two years before being released in China this year, writer and director Ning Caishen and actor Gao Hu.
So far, it appears the entertainment industry is acquiescing. Last week, a group of over 40 artist management agencies signed an agreement with police in Beijing promising that they would not hire those who had used drugs.
BEIJING (AP) — Police and state media say Jackie Chan’s actor-son Jaycee Chan has been detained in Beijing on drug-related charges, the latest high-profile celebrity to be ensnared in one of China’s biggest anti-drug crackdowns in two decades.
Beijing’s police said late Monday on its official microblog site that a 32-year-old Hong Kong actor identified only by his surname, Chen, was detained Thursday together with his Taiwanese actor friend.
The official Xinhua News Agency identified the detainees as Jaycee Chan and Kai Ko, the Taiwanese movie star.
Police say both actors tested positive for marijuana and admitted using the drug, and that 100 grams of it were taken from Chan’s home.
Chan is accused of accommodating drug users, an offense that carries a maximum sentence of three years’ imprisonment.
BEIJING – Hong Kong action superstar Jackie Chan’s actor-son Jaycee Chan has been detained in Beijing on drug-related charges, the latest high-profile celebrity to be ensnared in one of China’s biggest anti-drug crackdowns in two decades.
Jaycee Chan, 32, was detained last Thursday together with the 23-year-old Taiwanese movie star Kai Ko, Beijing police said late Monday on their official microblog, identifying them only by their surnames, ages and nationalities. It was unclear why the detentions were announced several days later.
Police said both actors tested positive for marijuana and admitted using the drug, and that 100 grams of it were taken from Chan’s home.
Several celebrities have been detained on drug charges following a declaration in June by President Xi Jinping that illegal drugs should be wiped out and that offenders would be severely punished. In Beijing alone, more than 7,800 people have been caught in the crackdown, police said.
Chinese state broadcaster CCTV aired footage of a police search of the younger Chan’s home in Beijing in which he is depicted, his face pixelated, showing officers where he stashed bags of marijuana. Police said they acted on a tipoff from the public.
Chan is accused of accommodating drug users, an offence that carries a maximum sentence of three years’ imprisonment – a far more serious charge than that of drug consumption. Two other people detained in the same case were accused of selling drugs while Ko is accused of drug consumption.
China named the elder Chan an anti-drug ambassador in 2009. Ko, the Taiwanese star, was part of an anti-drug campaign two years ago, CCTV reported, showing footage of the campaign in which he joins other celebrities in a chorus declaring: “I don’t use drugs.”
On Tuesday, Ko was shown on CCTV, his face pixelated, tearfully apologizing to his fans and family.
“I feel very regretful, very sorry to all the people who support me… I’ve been a very bad example, I’ve made a very big mistake,” Ko said.
Ko starred in the Taiwanese hit movie “You Are the Apple of My Eye,” which earned critical acclaim and instant fame for the actor.
Illegal drug use has ballooned in China in recent decades, after being virtually eradicated following the 1949 communist revolution. Narcotics began to reappear with the loosening of social controls in the late 1980s.
In more recent years, rising wealth and greater personal freedoms have been accompanied by a growing popularity of methamphetamines and the party drugs Ecstasy and ketamine. They are often bought on social media forums and consumed in nightclubs, leading to periodic police crackdowns.
En una nueva entrevista, Jackie Chan ha hablado sobre su incorporación al reparto de “The Expendables 4″ y su posible regreso para la cuarta entrega de “Rush Hour”.
Sobre la saga de “The Expendables”, el actor ha dicho: “Esta mañana me han llamado de la oficina – Sly [Stallone] me quiere en ‘Expendables 4′. Le he dicho: ‘De acuerdo’. Porque ya me habían pedido que participara en la segunda y la tercera, pero me negué. Bueno, no me negué, le dije: ‘Sly, ¿no podemos hacerlo solo tú y yo? ¿Y no un monton de gente y yo apareciendo nada más que cinco minutos?’ Porque entonces la audiencia pensará: ‘¡Oh, ahí está! Y ahí se va”
Y aunque aún se está intentando reunir a Chan y a Chris Tucker para “Rush Hour 4″, Chan no está muy interesado en regresar, pero lo hará si le gusta el guion.“Últimamente quieren hacer ‘Rush Hour 4′. Les he dicho: ‘No, muéstrenme el guion primero. No necesito ‘Rush Hour 4′. Ustedes necesitan ‘Rush Hour 4′. Enséñenme el guion’. No quiero hacer una porquería de guion solo porque quieren hacer la película”.
As of July 4, 2014, I am officially the parent of a Tween: a little girl no longer, neither yet a Teenager. The dictionary definition of “Tween” is a person age 10 through 12. There are about 20 million of them in the US.
The Tween years are distinctly different from the teenage years to come, I learned at a workshop run by coaches from InParentis (inparentis.com) this spring. I took careful notes for myself, lest I encounter a situation with my Tween that I was unsure how to handle. Since then, I have turned to my notes several times for guidance and I present them here with the hope that someone will find them as helpful as I have. Thank you InParentis!!!
Tweens’ emotional development is not linear. They progress, they regress. One day they’re mature, the next they’re little children. They are also adjusting to a new brain and changes in feelings. Hormonal shifts occur two years before the onset of puberty: this accounts for moodiness.
They are adjusting to a new body and they are starting to take responsibility for its care and cleaning. They have to take ownership of this new body and it takes time for them to get good at it, sometimes even well into high school.
He or she won’t be seen at school wearing those pants.
Things that seem trivial to us (bad hair day, for example) are huge for them. This focus on what might seem silly to us makes us think they’re vacuous. But they aren’t. These seemingly minor issues serve to help them feel at home in their body and teach them how to be in the world. They help them discover who they are becoming bodily as well as psychologically. We see them in ways they don’t see themselves.
Physical relationships with parents change.
You might get “the head” for a kiss: they won’t let you kiss them on the cheek, so they turn from you and offer the head instead.
Tweens aren’t self-reflective.
They can become sophisticated, but they are not as smart when it comes to the self. They are emotional creatures: they’re not taking in the information and applying to themselves. They are not self-reflective. They become lawyers. They know loopholes. They live in the present, which conflicts with the need to look ahead. They don’t have perspective and they don’t know how to hold onto a sense of time.
They really do learn from experience eventually, sometimes many years hence.
It seems that they are not learning from experience. For example, they still don’t turn off lights when they leave the room, though you’ve told them repeatedly over the years to do so. But they do show evidence of this type of learning eventually, sometimes many years hence. Their memory is selective, whether on purpose or not.
The Black Hole of the Backpack
The black hole of the backpack is common: the crumbs, the homework, the project remembered at 8 p.m. the
day before it’s due.
“Oh, I need poster board and tape for my project tomorrow.” They need help planning ahead and organizing: this is a huge challenge for the tween brain. It’s biological: it’s called mapping. Tweens lack executive functions: planning, problem solving and controlling impulses. Executive functions get solidified between the ages of 22 and 25 and develop mostly during adolescence.
Learn the language of emotions.
Feelings, moods, psychological separation from parents: tweens know we can’t serve the function of kissing booboos anymore. This awareness is painful. How do they find their own level of self-soothing sustenance? We give them the language: envy; disappointment; shame etc. Introducing these words can help them get better at problem solving. The language of emotions should be accurate. (See list of emotion words at the end of this post.)
Don’t ask Tweens how they’re feeling.
They don’t know! They’re limited by age and development. Use language that will help them be more self-reflective. Give them the words:
- “I noticed when xyz happened, you looked sad.”
- “I bet you felt disappointed when xyz happened.”
- “I bet you felt nervous when xyz happened.”
- “You seemed frustrated when you snapped at me earlier.”
Don’t be reactive.
Our job is to not snap back. Don’t be reactive. It’s okay to resolve an issue two days later if you need time to think about it. This is the one thing the coaches from InParentis really wanted us parents at the workshop to walk away with. (I’m working on it!)
Don’t say things such as, “Really? Are you kidding me?” This is damaging.
Have empathy. Increase communication, but be succinct or you will end up sounding to them like the teacher in Charlie Brown. If you do snap at them or say something you regret, model apologetic behavior. “Can I have a redo, a chance to be better?” We can all be better when given a redo.
Psychological separation from parents: kids need to disengage and experiment. They wear stuff we would never wear. They have ideas we would never have. Show an interest in their desire. Be dispassionate in your reaction. Be curious.
Three random notes:
- Tweens start to be aware that we parents are human and therefore different from other parents.
- Tweens become more involved in friendships. Conforming to peers helps them stay solid.
- The need to clean the room is not self-evident to the Tween.
Don’t take it personally when your Tween diminishes you.
Tweens will push you away sometimes. One way they create distance from you is by diminishing you. Don’t take it personally. For example, they might say, “I don’t like that shirt.” Or, “Really, Mommy?” (My Tween says this regularly.) One mother, a psychologist, said her Tween told her that talking was a waste of time. Talk about diminishing!
Celebrate bodies that don’t conform to American notions of beauty.
Specific to girls: In our culture, we don’t have a celebration of the body. When walking down Amsterdam Ave., for example, point out women you think are beautiful – especially women whose bodies don’t conform to the celebrity and American cultural notions of beauty. Be specific. For example, “That woman has such beautiful hair.” Or, “I love her dress.” Or, “Her arms are so well-toned.” Notice the beauty in people. Don’t critique or judge bodies.
Some emotions and their synonyms
Anger: aggravated, agitated, grumpy, frustrated, bitter, hostile, spiteful, fierce, outraged, rage, wrath, fury, exasperated, irritated, vengeful
Envy: bitter, longing, craving, dissatisfaction, greed, resentment, pettiness
Fear: anxiety, dread, edgy, jumpy, nervous, worried, horrified, tense, shocked
Jealousy: wary, possessive, mistrustful, watchful, rivalrous, defensive, suspicious, clingy, fear of losing something or someone
Joy: amused, cheerful, content, delight, happy, hope, relief, satisfied, thrilled, triumphant, glee, zest, excited
Love: adoration, affection, charmed, fondness, liking
Sadness: dejection, defeated, depressed, disappointed, gloomy, glum, homesick, hurt, hopeless, lonely, insecure, isolated, rejected, unhappy
Shame: humiliated, contrite, culpable, mortified, embarrassed
Guilt: sorry, remorse, apologetic, regret
After you’ve got a clear goal, this is the fun part…
One of the reasons I used Jackie Chan for my opening pictures last post was because his action scenes are well plotted.
Does that sound strange? They’re not just punching and kicking (although the punching and kicking is AMAZING). Jackie always uses the environment he’s in, both to create obstacles and to overcome them.
Count how many elements from a classic wild west bar he interacts with in this scene from Shanghai Noon.
I think I got eleven.
In writing for animation, these kinds of obstacles can be called gags. To build the scene, think about the characters and the setting. What properties are inherent? How can they be turned into obstacles and opportunities?
Check out what Tweety and Sylvester can do with a hotel.
I chose that one because it’s short. Virtually every classic cartoon can be used as an example. Bugs Bunny, Tom & Jerry, Donald Duck, etc.
What if your story is more about feelings than action?
Your plot will follow the same rules. What kind of characters do you have? Are they shy? What could make being shy more difficult? Are your young lovers on a first date at an amusement park? How could that setting enhance and then interrupt romance?
Your choices don’t have to be complex. Watch these kids try to eat their lunch in peace, while the other one tries to entertain himself.
Voila: tension, character development, and plot!
Director: Brett Ratner
Writer: Jeff Nathanson
Based On Characters Created By: Ross LaManna
Producer: Roger Birnbaum, Jonathan Glickman, Arthur Sarkissian and Jay Stern
Distributed: New Line Cinema
Starring: Jackie Chan, Chris Tucker, John Lone, Alan King, Roselyn Sánchez, Harris Yulin and Zhang Ziyi
Lee and Carter are pulled from time off in Hong Kong when a bomb is detonated at the United States Consulate General, killing to U.S customs agents. Lee suspects that the culprits are the Triads lead by Ricky Tan, Lee’s fathers former police partner. This case will take Carter and Lee from the streets of Hong Kong to the skylines of Los Angeles as they try to crack an international money laundering scheme.
Brett Ratner’s second outing in the Rush Hour franchise is a perfect example of a great modern buddy cop comedy. Taking elements from the first Rush Hour film and expanding them into the format that should have been used in the first place, Rush Hour 2 works brilliantly as both a comedy and an action film. Ratner, once again, demonstrating his love for Hong Kong cinema in the cinematic choices for this film. I first saw this film as I was being introduced into Chinese and Hong Kong cinema, further fuelling my love for the style and sequencing of the genre.
Once again, Chan and Tucker are an amazing combination of comedy and action. This time around though, the characters are able to explore other sides of the role. Tucker kicks ass alongside Chan, and Chan is able to show off his comedic timing as we learn more about Lee and Carter. One of the breakout performances of the film, however, is Hu Li (Mandarin for Fox) by actress Zhang Ziyi. Zhang, fresh at the time from her wonderful performance in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, is the perfect villain for this film. She is cold, calculated and in her Jackie Chan meets his match.
*All images are property of New Line Cinema
Director: Brett Ratner
Story By: Ross LaMana and Tedi Sarafian
Screenplay: Jim Kouf, Ross LaMana and Jeff Nathanson
Producer: Roger Birnbaum, Jonathan Glickman, Arthur Sarkissian, Leon Dudevoir, Jay Stern and Wayne Morris
Distributed: New Line Cinema
Starring: Jackie Chan, Chris Tucker, Tom Wilkinson, Chris Penn and Elizabeth Peña
Chinese Security Consul, living in Los Angeles, Solon Han’s daughter Soo Yung is kidnapped by Hong Kong gangsters lead by the mysterious Juntao. While the FBI are called in Han enlists the help of Detective Inspector Lee (Chan) of the Hong Kong Special Police. The FBI, not wanting help, enlist arrogant and reckless Detective James Carter (Tucker) of the LAPD to keep Lee distracted. But as things take a turn for the worst, will Lee and Carter be able to recover Soo Yung and unmask Juntao?
Buddy cop films have been a staple of American cinema since the early 70’s. However Rush Hour puts a different spin on the formula by pairing up an African American LAPD officer with a Hong Kong Special Police Detective. Although this is a comedy, it’s very clear that Ratner has been influenced by the films of John Woo and other Hong Kong police films. This is shown in his shot style and editing techniques, especially during action sequences involving Jackie Chan. The blend of American cop action with Hong Kong martial arts creates an interesting film, although I feel this idea is explored better in the sequel Rush Hour 2.
Chan and Tucker’s performance are an excellent combination. Between Tucker’s abrasive and loud style of comedy, which at one time made him the highest paid actor in Hollywood, and Chan’s reserved but powerful performance, Rush Hour forever changed the Western take on martial arts films and the buddy cop genre. It’s sad that not more crossover films between the US and Hong Kong are made this way, it would be an amazing experience for filmmakers and moviegoers alike.
*All images are property of New Line Cinema
I said I was going to take the day off, but in the end I spent a fair part of yesterday afternoon planning and choreographing a big complicated action scene in the next Aculeo & Amunet story.
Fact is, I don’t like violence that much, and I’m not very good at describing it in an entertaining way because… well, because I don’t find it entertaining, I guess.
With some exceptions.
And yet, considering my Aculeo & Amunet stories are sword & sorcery, there are to be swords in there somewhere, and someone got to use’em.
And Aculeo, being a soldier, is supposed to be the one trained in the use of swords (Amunet takes care of sorcery – nice and smooth).
Being a Roman, Aculeo uses a gladius.
Now, being a man trained to fight, and being a no-nonsense sort of guy, Aculeo does not do strange flourishes and what not.
He’s businesslike when it comes to fights.
He takes no more pleasure in fighting than I take in describing fights – so he makes it quick.
I want his actions to be economic, effective, but also, possibly, entertaining.
Because of course when writing about a fight, the point is not writing a martial arts handbook, but carrying the story forward and entertaining the readers*.
And here comes the real catch – because to make the scene entertaining for the readers, I have to make it entertaining for me, in the first place.
I normally try to increase the entertainment value of my action scenes by complicating them – by making them less entertaining for the people involved, if you will.
In Bride of the Swamp God, for instance, while it’s painfully clear that Aculeo and Amunet are severely outgunned by their enemies, part of the fun (hopefully!) comes from the way in which the two protagonists interfere and hinder each other until they find a way to work together.
So the environment, the interaction between characters, the snippets of dialogue, the stuff going on while the bad guy tries to beat the living daylights out of poor Aculeo, all this becomes much more important than the actual blow-by-blow thing.
And it’s more fun.
Designing my fight scenes like this means I normally have to choreograph my fights – sketching a map, taking all bystanders into account, and then visualizing the sequence of events.
It’s a lot less fun than you might think.
The fun part, to me, once the whole chaotic sequence of punches, thrusts, pratfalls and lost weapons and sudden reversals and what else is running through my mind like a finely-tuned Jackie Chan movie…
… The fun, part, I said, is deciding what the reader is going to see.
The montage, if you will.
Or, turning the thing the other way around, what I’m going to leave out.
And the idea is to leave out everything that’s not necessary, and it’s not fun.
The tricky part is deciding what.
Having two point-of-view characters offers quite a lot of opportunities – and if I normally write combats from Aculeo’s point of view, in a somewhat dry, straightforward, simplistic way, sometimes shifting to Amunet for a few paragraphs is quite useful.
She has a different perception of the events, of course, and quite a different attitude, a different psychology – and a different biochemical response to violence.
She can add depth, and color.
It takes some trial-and-error.
Once the story is ready, I am lucky enough to have beta readers that actually have combat experience, weapons experts of the non-creepy variety, and they often point out inconsistencies, blunders and implausibilities.
I follow their advice 75% of the time – because sometimes plausibility and all that are less important than the story.
In the end, one of the points I’m not making in my stories and yet is there all right is, weapons and violence do not solve problems.
Often it is wiser to run, it is more efficient to discuss differences, and it is more expedient just figuring out a way to slice their throats silently.
Hmmm… ok, ignore the last one.
* And I’d really like to recommend Rayne Hall’s slim but three-times-excellent Writing Fight Scenes as a one-stop instructional handbook for writers.Related articles
Jackie Chan is an all time favourite. He is the Charlie Chaplin of martial arts films. He could manage to create something new and unique by combining martial arts skills with slapstick comedy. That’s what suits him best.
Well I was running through the various film news articles on the Internet when I stopped in my tracks and had to consciously make myself breath again. How many times have I thought I really, really wish they had made a Rush Hour 4. Well all of our prayers could be answered.
It has been reported that Jackie Chan has been approached about adding yet another film to this so-so franchise. It’s completing mystifying and for once I’m not talking about the quality of the film. I checked the history of its box office performance and the numbers don’t add up.
The original Rush Hour took $244m which albeit not earth shattering delivered a nice profit on a $33m production budget. The follow-up Rush Hour 2 was given a much bigger budget at $90m and delivered another sold box office performance of $347m. The trajectory was going in the right direction so Rush Hour 3 is born but oops the franchise has clearly peaked. Despite having its biggest budget to date at $140m but its box office slipped to a total gross of $258m.
The numbers don’t lie. It followed the classic franchise pattern of delivering a solid first film which attracted a bigger audience for the second but looked dead on arrival after a lazy third film that lost the Studio money. So I ask, where is the commercial case for this film? I bet it’s going to made for a budget similar to original outing which limits the downside and could maximise the upside. Whatever (snap of the fingers).
Today is truly one of the best days of the year, as the third installment of The Expendables franchise hits theaters, and I get to enjoy my favorite pastime of reading movie critics who take themselves way too seriously complaining that these aren’t good movies. The Expendables 3, like the two wonderful action masterpieces before it, is expected to be a ridiculous, nonsensical and downright stupid and explosive romp that features most of the greatest action stars in movie history, as well as a few newcomers who are looking to make their own impacts on the blockbuster genre. We will laugh, we will groan, and we will laugh again as these aging A-listers blow a bunch of sh*t up and kill all of the bad guys in sight, and those of us who know what to expect from The Expendables 3 will walk out of our theaters feeling like we just spent two hours of our time very wisely.
But as I waited patiently for The Expendables 3 to hit theaters last night so I can see it at some point this weekend, I started wondering again – If I could pick my own team of Expendables, which movie action stars would I want to take into awesome, over-the-top battle with me (or more like on my behalf, because I’m a delicate but manly flower)? Even better, I thought, what if I didn’t have an endless supply of action stars to choose from, as if some person or persons was also picking his own group of Expendables at the same time? And then it hit me – let’s have Bagel Bites for lunch. Then it hit me again – what if we had an Expendables fantasy draft, and I take on seven of my UPROXXian colleagues in a strategic battle of building the ultimate team of action movie badasses?
Behold, the results of our first ever Expendables Fantasy Draft, and we challenge you, our beloved badass readers to vote for whichever team of Expendables you think is the best, based on the analysis we have provided.
#1 Pick: Vince Mancini
Arnold Schwarzenegger (1)
Charles Bronson (16)
Tony Jaa (17)
Robert Downey Jr. (32)
Vladimir Putin (33)
Gary Busey (48)
Kareem Abdul Jabbar (49)
I think my team is pretty self-explanatory. Arnold is inarguably the greatest action star ever (this is fantasy, so we’re talking Commando-era Arnold), and with Gary Busey around we’re sure to have the best one-liners, like “Speak into the microphone, Squidbrain!” and “Bird season’s over, Butthorn.” And I’m definitely envisioning a scene where Tony Jaa rides around on Kareem’s shoulders inside a 12-foot trench coat. I don’t know why Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Tony Jaa would need to pretend to be one, 12-foot-tall Thai man, but we can work that part out later. Truckasaurus would obviously be the muscle because he breathes fire and eats cars. And of course Putin would be the team’s sensitive animal lover who everyone is always yelling at to put on a shirt.
Burnsy’s Grade: B+; Arnold’s the Marshall Faulk of fantasy Expendables picks, but the whole team is going to have to pick up the slack for Busey’s craziness.
#2 Pick: Dan Seitz
Kurt Russell (2)
Angelina Jolie (15)
Donnie Yen (18)
Dolph Lundgren (31)
Stephen Chow (34)
The Xenomorph (47)
Terry Crews (50)
Viggo Mortensen (63)
It’s pretty straightforward, really: Lundgren the genius for strategy and convincing robots to fight with us, Yen can hand the hand-to-hand/ground fighting, as demonstrated in Flash Point, Crews is heavy weaponry, Jolie is gun-fu/ranged weapons, Stephen Chow can beat the hell out of large groups, the Xenomorph handles stealth, Russell is Jack Fucking Burton, and Viggo can brutally murder you with just his bare hands and his dick out. Really, the rest are just back-up in case Viggo needs a Gatorade.
Burnsy’s Grade: A-; The key to fantasy drafts like this is taking who you want when you want, as long as you feel he won’t be there at your next pick. Is Russell a No. 2 pick? Probably not, but he wouldn’t have lasted.
#3 Pick: Andrew Roberts
Bruce Willis (3)
Chow Yun-Fat (14)
Clint Eastwood (19)
Roddy Piper (30)
Mel Gibson (35)
Gizmo in Gremlins 2 (46)
Geena Davis (51)
Brian Bosworth (62)
Bosworth and Piper are clearly my muscle (or were my muscle). Gibson is my wild wheelman and distraction, leading these other suckers on an offensive journey into his psyche. Willis and Chow Yun-Fat are my co-leaders, calling the shots and leading the charge with quips and doves. Eastwood is their old mentor, bursting from retirement with grit and some kind of fantasy gun that doesn’t kill him when he shoots it. Davis is the wild card. The lone wolf that is brought in and decides to help out. Finally, Gizmo is the nuclear option of the team. When things get to pushed too far, he’s got to clean up the mess.
Burnsy’s Grade: C; There’s a lot of attitude in this group, but not a lot of versatility. Even worse, as soon as Gizmo gets wet, he’ll turn on the whole group.
#4 Pick: Brandon Stroud
Bruce Lee (4)
Jackie Chan (13)
Steve Austin (20)
Sonny Chiba (29)
Ronda Rousey (36)
Toshiro Mifune (52)
Rudy Ray Moore (61)
First things first, a team with Godzilla on it should beat the other teams. “Oh, look, I’ve got Jean Claude Van Damme. WHO CARES, GODZILLA.” Godzilla can destroy entire civilizations by himself. The only time Godzilla loses is when he DECIDES to. Can Predator beat Godzilla? Of course not. What’s Jaws gonna do? Is the team with Jaws on it gonna drive around a big semi truck with a salt water tank on the back and throw people into it so they’ll get attacked by Jaws?
The team around Godzilla (that ensures Godzilla achieves his goals) is bulletproof. You’ve got Bruce Lee, who is the only person on here I might say had a chance against Godzilla. Bruce Lee too straight for you? You’ve got Jackie Chan, a guy who can take more damage than any living human and come through in the clutch. Toshiro Mifune and Sonny Chiba should be able to brutally handle anyone Bruce and Jackie can’t handle. So you don’t think this team is a racist thing, I’ve also got Ronda Rousey and Stone Cold Steve Austin on hand to dish out an American-style ass-whomping. I’ve seen Steve Austin beat up 30 people at once by grabbing their heads and sitting down. You’ve got armbars and thrown beers and vehicular manslaughter everywhere. If all that’s not enough, f*cking DOLEMITE is there to judo chop you and shoot you with a gun. The end.
Best team. No contest.
Burnsy’s Grade: A; B-Stroud wasn’t f*cking around with the badassery, and even when Godzilla lays down for his nap in the middle of a fight, he’ll still have guys blowing up the bad guys.
#5 Pick: Ashley Burns
Sylvester Stallone (5)
The Rock (12)
Channing Tatum (21)
Steve McQueen (28)
Wesley Snipes (37)
Jet Li (53)
Pam Grier (60)
When you look at all of the picks made by my colleagues, the most important thing to look at is value and where it was selected. Sylvester Stallone at No. 5 was basically giving me the No. 2 pick, and then The Rock at 12 was like giving me the No. 3 pick, because Arnold would have still been No. 1. After that, a complete “team” of Expendables has to feature members with different traits. C-Tates can charm and dance his way out of capture at the hands of Amazonian warrior queens, while Pam Grier could use her sexuality to overthrow any male captors. There’s no better driver in movie history than Steve McQueen, and when it comes to an amphibious assault, Jaws will eat just about everyone. Jet Li is small, fast and still a complete badass, so he’s a five-star Expendable, but my clincher is Snipes. Dude’s the most powerful vampire in the history of the world. He f*cking killed Dracula! If anybody tries to get supernatural on our asses, Blade’s got that sh*t handled.
Burnsy’s Grade: A+, obviously. Step to this team, you best come correct.
#6 Pick: A. Isaac
Harrison Ford (6)
John Wayne (11)
Jean Claude Van Damme (22)
Will Smith (27)
Uma Thurman (38)
The Predator (43)
Matt Damon (54)
Brigitte Nielsen (59)
You want versatility? Well, this team boasts young and old, a Western star, a guy from Star Wars, Jason Bourne and the greatest female assassin the world has ever known. And oh yeah, did I mention the Predator? Because I got him. Game over. I win.
Burnsy’s Grade: B; A lot of attitude and skill, plus Red Sonja Brigitte Nielsen is untouchable. It’s insane to think Flava Flav ended up with her.
#7 Pick: Danger Guerrero
Nic Cage (7)
Tom Cruise (10)
Vin Diesel (23)
Denzel Washington (26)
Keanu Reeves (39)
Steven Seagal (42)
Air Bud (58)
The key to my team is the way the individual members can be paired off. Nicolas Cage and Vin Diesel are a good match because they’re both comfortable driving illegally obtained muscle cars. (Also, because Vin Diesel seems pretty cool and I bet he would say yes if you asked him to help you steal the Declaration of Independence.) Keanu Reeves and Steven Seagal can keep each other entertained with weird-ass mystical talk about martial arts. Tom Cruise and Denzel Washington lend a little credibility to the operation, provided they don’t fall into a never-ending loop of Cruise laughing and shouting “YES!” with Denzel chuckling and replying “My man.” And DMX and Air Bud, I mean, that one’s self-explanatory. Put them all on a transport plane and ship them off to whichever war-torn nation looks the most war-torn at that particular moment. Problem solved.
Burnsy’s Grade: A-; A ton of value happening here, with Seagal late and even Vin Diesel in the third round. The only drawback is Air Bud’s shorter lifespan.
#8 Pick: Josh Kurp
Patrick Swayze (8)
Sigourney Weaver (9)
Jason Statham (24)
The T-Rex from Jurassic Park (40)
Ving Rhames (41)
Joe Don Baker (56)
Estelle Getty (57)
Picture it: Patrick Swayze throat rips Vladimir Putin, then Sigourney Weaver shoots Pol Pot with a SPACE gun, then Jason Statham yells “OI YOU FACKIN’ C*NT” before hurricane kicking Kim Jong-un, then Peter Weller tells Hitler to come with him, not alive but dead, then the T-Rex from Jurassic Park, Ving Rhames, and Mom from Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot stomp, sass, and ball-gag Justin Bieber to death. Meanwhile, Joe Don Baker eats a sandwich, farts, then everyone passes out. They’re the perfect crime-fighting (and -farting) team.
Burnsy’s Grade: C; With a lot of great action stars still out there on the waiver wire, Kurp went cute with his last pick and possibly put his entire team of Expendables at risk.Take Our Poll
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